My Life Is Crazy Too is a new series of reader submissions. This is your opportunity to share stories about life, love, and mommyhood to provide understanding, hope, and compassion in the unique situations each of us face every day. If you would like to submit a story to this series, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Today’s crazy guest is Katie Daniels. Her blog is private for family and friends.
The “Wonder of God.” What exactly does wonder mean? According to Google, wonder is:
- a feeling of surprise
- mingled with admiration
- caused by something beautiful,
- or inexplicable
That definition has some very strong words and it fits with our adoption story perfectly. The wonder of God’s plan for our family.If you would have talked with me four years ago I would have told you that we were done having kids. . . well, I was done. We had three beautiful children and I felt that we were good. Three was enough, right? Then in the wonder of God’s plan, inexplicably, I began to have feelings well up inside me from seeds that were planted years ago.
See, when I was around eight, I saw this baby doll at a craft show and I just had to have her. Not because of some childish want. . . no, it was as if she were mine already.
Unexpectedly, hundreds of miles away a little boy, also about eight, happened to be on a family vacation with cousins from out of town who had recently adopted. During this time God planted seeds in his heart as well. Of course this little boy was my now husband, Dave. If you were to ask him today, he would tell you that at this young age he knew without a doubt that he would adopt one day.
Isn’t it beautiful how God lays things on the hearts of children and they have the faith to not question? Now, jump ahead to middle school and high school where research projects and opinion papers gave voice to those seeds that God planted. I would have told you then that I wanted to adopt from EVERY country. My own little United Nations as my mom recalls it.
Dave and I met some years later on the campus of GVSU both very much certain that God was calling us to adopt one day. As our relationship grew we talked of adopting as well as having biological children of our own. Well, we were married and did have children. . . 3 beautiful biological children.
What many don’t know about my story is that after our first child, Korah Beth, was born I questioned God’s plan to grow our family through adoption. I tried to bury the desires I once had. Why, I’m not entirely sure, but I know it had a lot to do with fear. Those of you who have had children know the love a mother has for a child. It is unlike any other. I feared that I could not love a child that I did not carry in my womb for nine months as much as I loved the child I had. I voiced that concern to Dave. Talk of adoption ceased.
We had Nathan Ezra twenty months later, then Silas a few years after that. With each child I was amazed at how one person can love so much, so deeply.
After we had Silas I felt as if we should be done. I was able to tell myself this for a while but soon I was overwhelmed with the feeling that we needed one more….after all our house wasn’t full, something. . someone, was missing. So, we went about trying to conceive another child. But, to be honest, something just wasn’t right. I didn’t know why and I felt somewhat guilty but I realized that I did NOT want to carry or birth another baby. We took a break from it all and tried to determine if indeed, our family was complete after all.
Time passed. Then, one Sunday morning, some families who had fostered and adopted spoke at church. I had feelings of admiration for these families and it was as if those seeds, planted years ago, were bursting up desiring the sun. I couldn’t deny that they were there. I pondered these thoughts and feelings privately and began doing some “secret” research on adoption. . agencies, countries. . Although this world of adoption was unfamiliar to me, I knew I belonged in it.
Finally, after a few weeks of research and prayer I posed the question to Dave. We had gone to bed late but I could no longer hold inside what I felt God was whispering in my ear. I quietly asked, “Do you ever still think about adopting?” His response, “I’ve never stopped.”
There was a long pause and I replied, “I think I might be kinda ready.”
You might have expected Dave to be caught off guard – not prepared for what I had asked. It had been about six years since the two of us had seriously discussed adoption. However, just the opposite was true. While I had tried, and partially succeeded in burying what I knew was God’s plan for our family. . . He simply couldn’t. His daily prayer had been for God to take the desire of adoption from him or to bring the desire back to me.
From that moment until now our adoption journey has contained many moments and feelings of surprise mingled with admiration caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar or inexplicable…. wonder.
And yes, I did find that I could deeply love a child that didn’t grow under my heart . . . for she grew in it.
I could go on and on about God’s presence throughout our adoption. I guess that as they say is another story.
So, my question for you, as children who were adopted into God’s family is. . . What seeds are you carrying that need the light of the SON, God’s Wonder, to shine on?